I used to remember her light ash wavy hair spread on my knees when we were so drunk and wasted, lying on the bright young green grass looking high above. She slightly touched my chest with her childish fingers and smiled with her weird and sad manner. Unbelievable! I heard her heart beating as fast as I could feel the rythym. She sank with the love she felt for me. I can't believe that all that time she was so inspired by me and yet poisoned at the same time, but could keep her mouth shut. She was lying to me so that I could stare at her without any worries that she would notice this.
She wasn't exactly beautiful, but a very special kind of girl. She was like a rare desert rose, wild and unique. I was so fucking stoned that I imagined that she was the sea and I was a bird surfing through the waves... I didn't want anything but to touch the warm hands of my little girl, my lovely friend, my precious diamond. For many years, I never wanted to say anything, I buried my words... I just wondered how late I understood how much I loved all her imperfections and mistakes. We had the strongest connection based on the the mysterious attraction. Strange and long lasting attraction. I swear, at this very moment, I believe I can achieve all the universe and have eternity. That's because of all the shit I took, because of my problems with my girlfriend and that annoying job I tried to quit 3 times... Those are the reasons, not because of her.
I lied to myself and wanted to scream out loud trying to forget her name. I started to throw away stones into the river, such a ridiculous and hopeless action. I was angry and so damned sad. So much remorse and regret, that I can't even seem to feel enough motivation to go on breathing. It was the sudden feeling I had when I realized how much I loved her. It took all my might to stand up and go to the cafe with my friends to have a nice evening of beer and burgers. "Life will go on", I said to myself with put trying to believe this senseless argument. Of course, it was not for real. More than anything, I didn't want to feel this but no one asked me, so I felt. The crowded places, entertainment, doesn't excite me anymore. I was dragging through the streets with inertia. Things seem senseless and I am jaded. Just like someone switched off the colors and I am staring at a monochromic cinema ,not the common drama, but my own personal existential tragedy where there is no one to guide me, because I have a new one and I don't know the address, have no key.
She was my key, but I have forever lost the key.
text: Katarina Nagaeva